My new old blog

Hello everyone ❀

After a long time of thinking (= 2 days) I found a new concept idea for my blog. Of course it will still focus on my life and experiences as a trans woman but for that I will focus on three main topics:

  1. Passing. My passing isn’t the best. Let’s be honest: I will never have delicate features even if I would win the lottery and could pay for every existing medical procedure. But there are biological women with the same problems and there are solutions. Clothes and makeup can do wonders and I will search for them, test them and share the results with you! πŸ˜€
  2. Thoughts on Transitioning. I guess we all think about what it means being trans and have our ups and downs. I want to share my thoughts regarding my transition with you and hopefully I can inspire some people like I’m inspired by so many other blogs. πŸ™‚
  3. Hobbies and Traveling. I’m trans but there are other things in my life, too and I want to talk about them! πŸ˜€ Board games, video games, martial arts, pen and paper roleplaying, history and so on. And I dream of visiting other countries! And there are so many cool animals in the world!

I hope you like my ideas for my blog. In the end, I’m not an expert in most of these things. But I want to learn more about all of them and I hope we can learn them together via my blog. ❀

One more thing: I want more pictures in my blog! And videos! Some of them by myself some of them from the internet. Whatever fits. πŸ˜€ For the start, a random picture of my favorite flower:

Strelitzia reginae by Brocken Inaglory under GNU FDL via wikipedia.org

Isn’t it lovely? ❀

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1.5 Years

Hello internet!

it’s been 1.5 years since my last post… wow! My life has changed much since then but not as much as I had hoped. I’m still mid-transition, taking hormones and being pre-operation. My names will change officially sometimes in the summer but until then it’s always a bit difficult to tell everyone in official correspondence to refer to me as a woman. By the way I made a mistake in my last post: you don’t need an operation for officially changing your name in Germany. πŸ™‚

Moreover, I still haven’t experienced any harassment. Berlin seems to be a great city for trans people. Or at least the districts I live in. πŸ™‚

Last but not least, I’m no longer a student and will start working as a teacher soon! πŸ˜€

In the next days I will think about a real concept idea for my blog. Something to structure it and help me writing posts regularly. Maybe more make up posts because they always got the most views! ❀

Lots of love

Emily ❀

My New Forenames

Hi πŸ™‚

My siblings and I all have three forenames and for obvious reasons mine have changed recently. πŸ™‚ Emily became only my second forename because I don’t like how some Germans pronounce it but with my English speaking friends on the internet I’ll continue using it primarily because I love it very much. πŸ™‚ Isabella became my first forename and my family and my German friends now call me by it or at least they try.

For my family the change was very difficult. They know me all my live under another name and at the beginning they used my old name in nine out of ten cases. But I have to admit that I doesn’t make it very easy for them. I can’t apply makeup all the time (my skin needs some rest πŸ˜€ ) and in pyjamas and without makeup there’s sadly not much femininity left. 😦 But after some conversations about my feelings and how much my new forenames mean to me it became much better. I think we’re now at eight out of ten cases. πŸ™‚

For my friends the change seems to be much easier but I think they have the advantage that they only see me fully dressed and with makeup and all. A big milestone came last weekend when for the first time I introduced myself to a completely new friend as Isabella. The knowledge that this person will only ever know me as my true self thrills me somehow. πŸ™‚

For myself the changing of my forenames was surprisingly easy and I think that’s because I’m using both of them for quite some time now on the internet. πŸ™‚ What I’m not sure about is which forenames I should use if I’m talking about past events. In Germany you can only change your forenames legally after you had a sex reassignment surgery but than it’s for the government like you always were a women. But when I recently quoted something from my past with my old forename in it it felt wrong for me to change it retroactively. I would be interested how other trans people do this. Please feel free to write about your experiences regarding this topic in the comments. πŸ™‚

Lastly I realized something very important regarding the changing of my forenames: even the most accepting people sometimes call me accidentally by my old forenames. It’s often only a matter of habit and will definitely change with more practice. Therefore, I stopped being sad or angry about it. I’m thankful that my friends try their best and I think it won’t be long until they use my right forenames all the time. πŸ™‚

PS: My third forename will remain a secret for the time being. πŸ™‚

Doing Sports as a Trans Woman

Hi ❀

It’s been a long time since my last entry but in the future I’ll be writing more regularly again. I just needed some time to process all my new experiences since I’m now living almost 100% of my time as a woman. πŸ™‚

Last night I dreamed about being the captain of a female soccer team and that made me realize how much I miss doing sports. Since I admitted my transsexuality to myself roughly two years ago I stopped training kung fu, I didn’t went swimming once and only a few times I took a ride with my bike. All three for different reasons but all of them related to my transsexuality.

With kung fu I stopped because I fear to gain too much muscle mass. Even without much muscle mass I have problems looking feminine and with more muscle mass it would be impossible.

I don’t go swimming anymore for a completely different reason. Very early in my transition I got the feeling that I don’t want to expose my breasts to strangers (even so I’m not taking hormones yet and therefore have no breasts so to speak of). But disguising as a man made it impossible to go swimming without doing so. Now I had my coming out and could go swimming in a bikini but without makeup and real breasts no one would take me for a woman. 😦

Lastly, riding a bike is mostly a practical problem because riding a bike while being tucked hurts a little bit. It’s better since I stopped tucking with tape but it’s still not ideal. Additionally I have only a men’s bicycle and they aren’t easy to ride with a skirt. πŸ˜‰

I hope all of this will change once I start taking hormones and be developing real breasts and maybe not be gaining muscle mass so fast anymore. But one problem will still remain: I won’t be able to join female sports teams. Maybe I find some nice women who let me train with them but at tournaments I want be allowed to participate as a women until I had a sex reassignment surgery.

For example a female friend of mine invited me to participate in a snooker tournament next year as a woman. She said the other participants won’t have a problem with it and also I believe her I don’t think the leadership of the billiards league will allow it. 😦

What are your experiences with doing sports in transition? I’m assuming trans men will have totally different experiences regarding this topic than trans women. And I’m not even sure if all trans women have the same problems with sports that I have. πŸ™‚

The Good Thing About My Dysphoria

Hi πŸ™‚

In the last months my dysphoria was getting really bad. Little things like a bra under my clothes or transparent nail polish on my nails helped but they weren’t enough. One and a half weeks ago it all culminated in me crying for an hour. At this moment I made the decision to stop hiding and tell it my family, my friends, everyone. And I did … until today.

Today I met one of my best friends and it seems like I lost all my bravery. I already told so many other people and spent the whole weekend as a woman but now the ship seemingly has sailed. In my opinion the problem is that I’m feeling so much better now. At least for the moment my dysphoria is nearly gone and I feel happy like never before. Today I could even bear disguising as a man because I knew it was only for roughly four hours. I lost my fire because I’m finally happy.

I’m sure the dysphoria will come back eventually and hopefully with it my bravery, too. But that’s so crazy: I hate nothing more than my dysphoria but my dysphoria is apparently also the fuel of my transition…

But at the end of the day I love it to be finally happy. I don’t want to praise myself but I think I’m a much better person now. Before my coming out I was angry, overly competitive and often unfriendly and arrogant. In the present I’ve left all these terrible emotions behind me. Instead of hating my friends for winning against me in games and sports I enjoy their success with them. It’s a great change and I’m very happy about it. πŸ™‚

But when will I tell it my above-mentioned friend? I fear that he could hear it from somebody else and that could destroy our friendship even if he accepts me as a trans woman. And I won’t be able to hide it forever anyway once I start with hormones (hopefully soon! πŸ™‚ ). Another good friend of mine gave me the advice to just tell it everyone and live 100% of my time as a woman; no exceptions for anyone! I guess he’s right but its easier to know what’s right than to be doing what’s right.

Maybe I can’t change that I lost my bravery but I’ll be working on getting it back. Hopefully without the dysphoria. πŸ™‚

I did it! :D

Hi πŸ™‚

It was the 25th of September when I first went out in public as a woman in broad daylight and it was great! πŸ™‚ It took me three hours to get ready and I was afraid and excited at the same time. In the end I was definitely overdressed and my high heels were killing me already after five minutes but I was expecting both and didn’t care. πŸ™‚

First I took the bus to a shopping street near by. I doubt that I was passing but no one seemed to care for me anyway. 95% of the people didn’t even look and the few people who did look showed no reaction worth mentioning. Except for one little girl who seemed very astonished. Somewhere in Berlin a mother must now answer some difficult questions about gender. πŸ˜€

A stop at a bank and a ride with the subway later I arrived at the store specialized on big size shoes which I mentioned in earlier entries. At this times my feet were dying… But the staff of the store was great! I was never so shy before but they were very nice, funny and helped me find a nice pair of ankle boots. Trying them on felt like heaven. Maybe it was because for the first time in my life I was recognized as a woman in public or maybe it was because my feet finally stopped to hurt. πŸ˜€ Anyway, it was great and also the boots cost 110€ (122$ / 81 Β£) I gladly bought them. πŸ™‚

The prize wasn’t a problem because my second planned purchase – a denim skirt – became unnecessary when my mother gave me one of her old ones earlier this day. It’s very tight at my hips but it fits. πŸ™‚ Furthermore, I wouldn’t have been able to continue shopping anyway. The pain on my feet was getting too much and I took the next bus home. But now I have better shoes which won’t hurt me and the shopping can start anew next week. πŸ™‚ Tomorrow I’ll meet two friends and this will be exciting, too. One of them is inviting me and the other one in a restaurant and there I’ll have to order for the first time as a woman. Hopefully my shyness will be going away soon. πŸ™‚

That’s it for the day. Now I have to process it all. πŸ™‚ I feel like being in a dream and I’m afraid to wake up at any moment now. πŸ™‚

Funnily, the first thing I saw when starting my computer right now was that YouTube recommended β€œShania Twain – Man! I Feel Like A Woman” for me:

β€œOh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man, I feel like a womanβ€œ

❀

Well, now they know :)

Hi πŸ™‚

After a five hour bus ride and much talking I’m very tired. Therefore I only want to inform everyone that my big coming out went very well. πŸ™‚ My sister and my mother know everything now and both accept and support me. After two hours talking with my mother it was too late to tell it my father, too. But I’ll speak with him tomorrow morning and afterwards I’ll start preparing for my big day. πŸ™‚

To write something worth of an entry I’ll close with appreciating one of my favorite songs: “Let It Go” from Frozen. This song gave me much strength during my ongoing journey as a trans woman because it is the perfect coming out song. Just listen to it:

“The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know”

Well, now they know. πŸ™‚

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